Yesterday someone told me how I always seem to have everything under control, am a fireball of energy and just seem to have a perfect life. Clearly this person has not seen me at 8.29am, screaming at the children or running from one place to another trying not to be late for things. It is interesting how we view other people’s lives. It also made me think that there are very few people to whom I would confide in when having a low day. Today I awoke, with a cold, and having had a rubbish night’s sleep, felt generally “argh”.  I have so many friends and yet felt lonely with my own company this morning, notwithstanding the beatific smiles from TD.  But who did I want to speak to say that I was not having a great day – no-one really. His nibs is busy at work and I do loathe moaning at him. My mum has her own health woes and frankly I am not sure that anyone else would want to hear my whingeing. 

I am always happy to listen to other people when having issues or woes and yet loathe telling others that something may be amiss with me and that I do not always feel 100%. Do we all feel like that on occasion? That we do not want to burden our friends with our “chinks” or insecurities? Showing our vulnerabilities is perhaps not a bad thing and it is a shame that I only really show mine to my munchkins and his nibs (when he can bear it!).  So next time someone asks me am I okay – I may not respond with my usual ” fabulous” and punch the air with false glee, I might actually say that juggling it all can be hard, that I feel guilty that I am married to a wonderful man but do not give him the attention that he deserves and that sometimes there is not enough time in the day and it is bl**dy hard. And then I will smile and be on my way, having got rid of my negativity.

Lunch at the Hoxton Apprentice always leaves me feeling inspired. Was very very late and sat at the naughty table with the incorrigible, fabulous Tanya Rennick of the Oyster Club and feared that I would not meet all of the lovely ladies. However people gravitated to our naughty table and I met Angela, who is amazing. She is trying to start a shelter for abused women and children and I hope that I can provide her with some pr0-bono assistance from my various legal contacts. And whilst I think that I know so much about the suffering of women and children in the UK, she told me more horrific stories of trafficking of young girls in Ealing and West London.  Again I wish to reaffirm that this is happening to girls as young as 11, literally on our doorsteps.  I was further moved by the documentary about trafficking of young girls in the USA, which had been produced by George Clooney.  A frightening reality especially as some of the young girls were only a few years older than my Princess A. I still find it hard to believe that there is a demand for young girls in “civilised” countries such as the USA or the UK, or any country in fact.

I also want to share a brilliant post by a fellow Voices of Women Worldwide member, Sharon Mather.  Abuse of women and children happens too frequently and the more voices that stand against this, the quicker this will not be a reality.

Harrassement by males, will always be a part of the problem of change.

Was in a bit of a pensive/nostalgic mood today. As I scuttled around like a crazy woman, juggling work, friends, the children and then activities, I recalled how my mother used to run around like this and suddenly realised how long ago that seemed.  This mood was also probably brought about after seeing the in-laws at the weekend (my second parents and damn fine people at that), who were reminiscing about holidays of past and photographs of his nibs and the sister-in-laws when they were tiny. Culminated with that, we spent the weekend with some of his nibs’ old school friends (some who I have known for 20 years!) and who he has known for over 30. To hear stories of boyish games and cheeky monkeying made me realise how time has flown and how my babies will start to gather these memories and cherish them for the future. So my mantra again – don’t wish hours or days away. I will blink and Princess A and TD will be remembering and pontificating as I was today. That being said, Princess A told me last night that I will still need to hold her and lie in her bed at night when she is 100 – I suspect that I will have been embalmed by then.  I will have my pyramid erected in the back garden – now that would really make the residents’ association have something to talk about!

So his nibs and I will have been married for 10 years in a few months time and we have been given the opportunity to do a photo shoot for a fantastic photographer who is celebrating different wedding anniversaries with the relevant theme for that anniversary. Ours will be around tin/aluminium – I am trying to think up ideas but sadly all I can picture is his nibs and I wrapped up in bacofoil! I am also still trying to persuade him about the whole photo shoot thing.

Last but certainly not least, I have been acknowledged in Giles Dixon’s new book “Exporting made Easy” – A Practical Guide. My proof reading and legal skills were again requested and I am pleased to say that this is a really straightforward, practical legal book about selling services and products overseas through agents and distributors and has some great precedents. Find at www.spiderbooks.co.uk.

Had a lovely lunch with the Sistersnog girls at Vanilla yesterday. Hela and Annie (the two band leavers of SS) are lovable and mad. I sat with some super people – Ruthie Culver – the cute jazz singer and Susan Moore, with whom I have done lots of work but actually never met. The friday lunch is always fun and I make so many new connections everytime I go.

The hotpants are fab, fab, fab and I am getting super trim. Am out on the town a couple of times next week and it is so lovely to squeeze back into my old clothes. So now that I am a Zaggora ambassador, I can share a discount code with you. If you are tempted, go to www.zaggora.com and type SBPRINCE at the checkout.  And if you do it, mail me as I would love to know that you are getting the same results as me.

And so to For Sanity’s Sake. I thought that I had suffered the various baby classes (some I loved and others I absolutely loathed but did meet some lovely mums), but now armed with TD, between work, Princess A, his nibs and the house, I am now again squeezing in much banging of drums and shaking of shakers. For Sanity’s Sake is a godsend – it is a diary of events and activities on a daily/hourly basis. Rachel, who runs it, is another mumpreneur who is a complete firecracker. http://www.forsanityssake.com

 It was with great interest that I read Miriam Gonzalez Durantez’s article on sexual exploitation of young children, in which she stated that 1 in 6 of the sexually exploited children looked after last year by Barnado’s was trafficked by organised criminal gangs – here in the UK.  (The Times – Tuesday 17 January).  This certainly resonated with my article http://sharonbenningprince.com/articles-events/stop-the-traffik-%e2%80%93-steve-chalke/, in which I highly recommended Steve Chalke’s book – Stop the Traffik.

Ms Durantez’s article has come at a time when we are in a heightened mood with regard to the imminent Olympic Games. With less than 200 days to go, it will be a monumental (and expensive) event hosted by us. However as the flame burns, thought is also given to the exploitation side of the imminent games and I am privileged to include an article written by Simon Chorley of Stop the Traffik at  http://sharonbenningprince.com/articles-events/2012-olympic-games-and-human-trafficking/.

Please do take a few moments to read this. Stop the Traffik are one of the few amazing organisations that are endeavouring to stop trafficking and help victims – please be aware and support the cause. www.stopthetraffik.org

So it has been one of those days. As Shrek said all babies do are “cry. sick, poop, cry, sick, poop” and oh yes, my two are doing it in abundance. It is as if Princess A and TD are taking turns to alternately be ill so that I actually achieve nothing except entertain Princess A endlessly, wash clothes and use up all of the resources of the world by the endless tumble drying.  I looked forward to bedtime like never before and even then, TD got through 3 sets of pyjamas as he laughed and vommed up (always his right shoulder) and it smelt like the very depths of my rubbish bin.  I actually put him in the bath with pyjama top and nappy still on and hosed him down. It has been a hard day and frankly it would be easier to be in the office.  But then with TD, nicely scented and stored away in cot, books are read to Princess A and cuddles and love are bounteous and then “I really love you mummy – I would not want any other mummy in the world” – (what even when I grew two heads today and a woman in Tesco told me that I was too strict (butt out lady – my kids, my rules)), no even then, I am great mummy and I feel amazing again and not like some impatient nag of a mother.

My other disappointment of the day was not to be modelling the new collection of Jane and Marilyn clothes. I covet these beautiful crafted vintageesque dresses, which are made perfectly for my body, however it transpired that my breasts are slightly too large and my waist, an inch too much, so my dreams were dashed. But that waist is whittling down. I have been wearing not only the Zagorra hotpants but also my lipocontour elite trousers in the gym – and I am getting back to healthy status again. I WILL SQUEEZE INTO THOSE DRESSES IN FOUR WEEKS TIME AND LOOK DAMN HOT! 

But this has been making me think about the pressure on new mothers and weight loss and how we starve and strive to get slim again (not helped by celebrity mothers who seem to give birth and go back to size tiny immediately).   I myself place an immense amount of pressure on myself and am really strict and then think “boll**ks” – just want an Aero bar” and then overindulge.  But actually it is not so much about being slim, but about being healthy.  And I am heartened when I see the gorgeous Melanie Sykes looking so hot at 40+. I certainly am not an advocate of taking one’s kit off and know that there is generally a furore about the “empowerment” of appearing nude a la Lara Pulver in Sherlock and the tabloid articles of last week but hail Mel Sykes – you look fabulous and sexy and with two kids under your belt, I am going to salute you.  (I now sound like a slavering teenager!)

As a last note, after my somewhat heinous day (I always feel like this if my house is not under some lovely Waltons spell and I do not have the patience of Mother Theresa), on my way back from the gym this evening, a personalised car registration tickled my fancy… GWI LLY – now what does the “G” stand for?!!

So on the most depressing day of the year (allegedly), I awoke with a quite a spring in my step. Not bad given that his nibs and I were both felled by the evil stomach bug. Princess A has visually described the bug as something with a 100 legs and crawling from TD, to her and then to us so I now have thoughts of Michael Palin and the milk/tape work episode.  

Anyway, I did awake with a hop and a skip and extremely pleased that all that vomiting and lack of eating had made my clothes looser so it seems that  the hotpants and a stomach bug are the way forward! I realised that I have not yet put together my new year’s resolutions – so here goes.

1 Not go out onto the front drive in just my bra and trackies… especially in the cold and when my neighbours are out in full force.

2   Be nice to everyone – even nobbies in fast cars on Esher High Street – it is karmic – it will all come round.

3 Not obsess about the house being clean – really life is too short and I have two kids.

4 Laugh hard – everyday – with my kids and anyone else around me.

5 Not obsess so much about work – I am good- I work hard but I do not have to be 110% all of the time.

6 Floss -  I would not look good with false teeth.

7 Pelvic floor exercises – no really – these are important.

8 Not be a beauty, clothes, shoe w**re – I love them all but frankly have no room for it all and whilst the charity shop and my mum love me - I really do not need THINGS.

9 Not think that it is a good idea to have colour and foils in my hair and sgo shopping  - I will find myself in Heat magazine.

10 Sing – crazily in the car and not care if the man in the car next to me is looking at me in bewilderment – who’s having the fun??

And there are so many more…. but most of all – love and enjoy.

And you?

My poor babies are sick and it is awful to see them coping with a horrid stomach bug and trying to be stoic. Whilst it has meant a few hard days, I can only be glad that it is a bug and I do not have to watch them go through something more life threatening. I often marvel at how parents can be so strong when seeing their little ones battling a disease or worse.

I am also marvelling at the stoicism of certain people around me. Again another friend has had to undergo surgery for a stage 3 lump – I knew that she had found a lump before Christmas but with the craziness of the holiday period, had not followed up with her and I suddenly receive an email on Thursday night telling a few close friends that she is going into hospital on Friday for an operation. Suddenly I and other friends are questioning whether we have been awful friends in not being more reactive in asking about the lump and not following up. I am so attentive to the children and especially during this period of sickness so why have I not been more attentive to my friends? I am blessed to have many amazing -mainly female friends which I mostly acquired during my late 20s and early 30s and they have seen me through my trials and tribulations. Yesterday I wore a gorgeous vintage necklace that a lovely friend had bought for me and very much felt the love that she bestows upon me through the necklace – a slightly crazed notion perhaps but whilst thinking about my girlfriend in hospital, I felt protected and loved. 

So whilst life is manic, with the babies, work, his nibs, impending house extension, I will make more time for my friends. I know that diaries can get full ludicrously quickly but I will endeavour to see my extended family as much as I can.

A wise word to end this post – as my girlfriend, currently recovering in hospital told me, if you feel any pain, any tenderness, any lumps, have it checked out sooner rather than later.  And make more time for those around you – try not to procrastinate.

Now back to buckets and much cuddling of small ones.

There are days that I tear my hair out being a mother.  Before children, whilst I would moan about work or being tired, I literally looked after myself and to a degree, his nibs. One does not realise what being selfish is until you have children and then you realise how selfish one can be when you have no-one else to think about. Now I suffer from guilt and wanting to be selfish on occasion and then guilt again. I love my children, with such an overwhelming feeling that at times, metaphorically, I can feel my heart stop. When they lie next to me, with their hearts against mine, I recall the feeling of when I was carrying them and I just want to hold them and never let go. And as TD gets bigger, I see that he is no longer a small baby (well he was never small) and suddenly feel sad at how time is soaring away.  Rest assured, I AM NOT GETTING BROODY, but when people say that time goes quickly when you have children, you realise how true that it is.

So back to the guilt thing. Those who know me know that I love to work and exercise the mental cortex but how to do that as well as being a 1950s supermother?  It is incredible to me how many brilliant professional women decide not to continue in careers which they literally killed themselves for so that they can raise the next generation. My dichotomy remains in that I want to raise amazing people but at the same time, show them that mummy can still be negotiating a deal and be a pioneer of sorts.  His nibs and I talk about this a lot (probably in his mind too much!), but talking to other mothers and men about their wives, I understand that many women have this tussle.  I therefore take heart from the website http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/. It is very US-centric site but it makes me laugh and occasionally sit back and say “enough”. The other great site that I subscribe to is http://wherethebrightwomenare.com - which is a blogsite to connect all of the bright, cool women who blazed a trail through school and beyond, but who, as they hit their 30s and 40s, have found new ways of defining what success means to them.

I pride myself on being a duracell bunny with masses of energy, however TD has taken a lot of that away and I am only slowly regaining it. However I do love meeting like duracell bunnies, so having coffee with the fabulous Tanya Rennick today was brilliant. Although we did not speak about half the things we had intended, I left her feeling on a high and super-energised. She is like wheat-grass and spirulina – rolled into one, except not green and incredibly beautiful. And a super inspiration with her networking club – http://www.theoysterclub.co.uk/.

Hotpants are still going and oh yes.. his nibs said that I was looking trimmer. Hooray.  Am now starting Matt Roberts’ two week hard-core diet and exercise routine. If you see a crazy woman licking the bakery window in the village – yes it will be me.  If I look particularly crazed, throw me a doughnut – please.