There are days that I tear my hair out being a mother. Before children, whilst I would moan about work or being tired, I literally looked after myself and to a degree, his nibs. One does not realise what being selfish is until you have children and then you realise how selfish one can be when you have no-one else to think about. Now I suffer from guilt and wanting to be selfish on occasion and then guilt again. I love my children, with such an overwhelming feeling that at times, metaphorically, I can feel my heart stop. When they lie next to me, with their hearts against mine, I recall the feeling of when I was carrying them and I just want to hold them and never let go. And as TD gets bigger, I see that he is no longer a small baby (well he was never small) and suddenly feel sad at how time is soaring away. Rest assured, I AM NOT GETTING BROODY, but when people say that time goes quickly when you have children, you realise how true that it is.
So back to the guilt thing. Those who know me know that I love to work and exercise the mental cortex but how to do that as well as being a 1950s supermother? It is incredible to me how many brilliant professional women decide not to continue in careers which they literally killed themselves for so that they can raise the next generation. My dichotomy remains in that I want to raise amazing people but at the same time, show them that mummy can still be negotiating a deal and be a pioneer of sorts. His nibs and I talk about this a lot (probably in his mind too much!), but talking to other mothers and men about their wives, I understand that many women have this tussle. I therefore take heart from the website http://www.workingmomsagainstguilt.com/. It is very US-centric site but it makes me laugh and occasionally sit back and say “enough”. The other great site that I subscribe to is http://wherethebrightwomenare.com - which is a blogsite to connect all of the bright, cool women who blazed a trail through school and beyond, but who, as they hit their 30s and 40s, have found new ways of defining what success means to them.